Shadow Self: Musings on These Changing Times

"Humanity's Desperation Bar & Grill"

A guy had been flirting with me

for a couple of weeks recently

and it felt magical superior wondrous

for it has truly been a desert

on the dating and personal relations

side of things here in nowhere-land.

It's transformative really to have

an unexpected opportunity open up

amidst the disappointment and insanity 

that so often litter the days in this world.

Let's face it New Things are exciting and

as-yet-uncomplicated and wide-open and

promising and fresh and the shot in the arm

of vitality and hope and possibility

that we suck up like a sponge

drunk on our neediness and desperation

we just plunge that needle filled with 

vague unknown potential and titillation

straight into a vein like the drug it surely is.

All of a sudden our bleak existence is

singing undiscovered notes and melodies

seeing our surroundings in a new light

believing in kismet and amore and laughter

regularly being more daring and emboldened 

restructuring perspective and worldview.

Most of us are so intensely ravaged daily

that there is a desperate unquenched need

to be desired and pursued

to be treated well and revered

to be flooded with affection like a newborn

to be given a chance lottery-winnings style

to be noticed as if a blooming flower

to be touched as we are wired to be touched.

These things which should be a given aspect

of every day existence in order to thrive

yet are relegated to reunions and parties

if ever

and yet we all feel the surge of needful longing

but there is no place to go to receive it

free from snake-oil salesmen and indoctrination

and a countless caveat of demands and concessions.

There is no bar wherein congregants have a tacit

understanding of a need to be held and stroked

and perhaps to lie in embrace for as long as is

possible.

We have constructed no shelter where the masses

might flock to console one another and 

encourage and treat one another like rock stars

call us by name show interest in our struggle

take our side in an argument

talk lovingly to us brush our hair

massage our feet offer to fix us a meal

tell us our outfit looks nice and so do we

meet our eyes with a mix of anticipation

and elatedness.

If such a place existed I would frequent it 

on the regular and I would never want to leave

and the world would be better and prisons 

would be less congested and violence would be

reduced and work performance would improve

and people would treat strangers better and

there would be less road rage and less need for

medication and health would improve.

If such a place existed.

So I decided to be bold and ask this guy out

the one who had been relentlessly flirting with

me for certain no misunderstanding and

he seemed not to hear me at first and then

he seemed not to comprehend what I was asking

and then he ignored me and

fourth strike because I am in fact desperate

although not proud of it

he appeared disgusted and horrified at 

this thing I was suggesting

the notion of spending time with me

and at the end of the day I really don't know 

why the fuck I have any interest in people

at all.

***********

"The Supremacy Pretension" by Robert Sayre

women's club, bible study, thrift store blues
home-maker, third wife, sorrowful hues

bridge club, tea party, d.a.r.,
fund-raiser, book club, fall bazaar

church-life, funerals, social butterfly,
pompous, out-dated, beholder's eye

'god's country,' no-man's-land, conundrum,
travel wide, never change, isolation

xenophobe, misanthrope, extremist faith,
big smile, duplicity, facile hate

manipulate, deceive, obfuscate,
syrupy, over-sell, compensate

covert, get along, good-ol'-boys,
misogyny, gay bash, religious joys

false witness, prejudice, justice ain't blind,
humble pie, charity, 'only my kind'

small pond/big fish delusion,
supremacy mind-set confusion

butt-crack heart attack, depending on the skin,
tweens display coochie while speaking on 'sin'

big trucks, no give-a-fucks, poverty,
red-state conflict, porn, STDS

birthing them babies, toeing that line,
demonized lower class, frivolous fine

cast 'em out, judgment, pious whore,
hypocrites, cock-suckers, pussy galore

old-timey, greasy-fried, die-a-bee-tees,
hush money, nepotism, family trees

con job, incest, keep things quiet,
gun play, bad cops, love of a race riot

yard dogs, porch monkey, jigaboo,
"Hillary's e-mails," light that fuse

burning crosses, hanging men, women in their place,
closet queers, down low, hide in disgrace

god's love, pretty pictures, lovely homes,
cutesy sayin's, preserves, strip that chrome

trash-talking, offense-taking, "what you say 'bout me?!?"
gossiping, bullshitting, lying through your teeth

no worries, Dream-killing, wasting away,
marking time, quicksand, keeping things the same

deep pride, never wrong, trailer park strut,
pollyanna, super-christian, secret slut

dixie flags, low standards, slow-talking drawl,
kids going hungry while you watch football

no worries, no skills, shitty personality,
'flash them titties' replaces hospitality

alcoholics, meth-heads, prescribed pills,
ailment obsession, old lady thrills

friendly front, simplicity, 'easy-as-pie,'
repressed, insincere, breathing them lies,
keeping up Appearances until you die 

Splashy Lifestyle

Worship

Interior

copyright Robert Sayre II, Georgia Unity

My Hunger, Still and All, Remains

I am hard-pressed

to find words

adequate and intelligent

that can belie How

this came to be

Not able to provide

for myself,

me and mine,

to pull my weight

to maintain

let alone prosper

And I will stuff myself

indulge in treats

eat inappropriate items

and be willful against

your prying

    judging

        patronizing

        eyes

in line behind me

driving past the food bank

seeing me enter the food stamps office

I will edit my donations box

as I see fit

because it is my right

(one of the few I seem to have left)

and I will not

eat Vienna sausages or

sloppy joes

or clumped processed cheese

or...

 

I will go hungry first--

rest assured--

because standards and taste buds

have not yet been taken

and will not be relinquished...

I am still me,

and preference

is nearly all I can preserve...

it is how we persevere

My dignity is not an acceptable trade

for your pious charity

Yes, pride

is still part of my repertoire.

and there is no shame in that,

nor any apology due nor

forthcoming

 

I have yet to lose

or give away self-respect

no matter the circumstance

and still

my particularness

is not invitation

for you to judge me

Say what you will

when my back is turned,

but to my face

it is "How do, Mr. Mann, sir."

Your discards and

nearly-outdated, feel-good project

remnants

already clog my craw and innards

alongside

worry and

   humiliation and

       terror and

        yes, by lack-of-god,

    Resentments

How can it have come to this?

I who had so much

did so well

was held in such esteem?

Crashed and crushed

Heart-broken and abandoned

Mood-altered and weakened

Rolled over and

at this juncture,

older

yet not wiser...yet

They don't tell you

what can happen,

in time.

Nor teach you How

simply to Survive

nor prepare you

nor strengthen you;

but no complaints

since 'trial by fire'

is a masterful

performance inducer

I am hungry

(I hunger)

I am alone

(and deeply lonely)

I am discouraged

(I tire in my soul)

My world for the merest

of human contact

 

I have a void that needs filling

I cannot provide

I cannot spy

an end in sight

I worry for longevity

and plenitude

and endurance

What I want is not here

What my body needs is not here

Sustenance is barely here

and oh, what a lofty price was attached

I engage

  I engorge

   I feast

       to quell the ache

I have a void that needs filling

No more friendships

No more relations

No one tells you how

   much they take

All are the heroes

on their own stage

I have a void needs filling

This condition

life

which engulfs us all,

only in different manner

and course

I have a void needs filling