My Hunger, Still and All, Remains

I am hard-pressed

to find words

adequate and intelligent

that can belie How

this came to be

Not able to provide

for myself,

me and mine,

to pull my weight

to maintain

let alone prosper

And I will stuff myself

indulge in treats

eat inappropriate items

and be willful against

your prying

    judging

        patronizing

        eyes

in line behind me

driving past the food bank

seeing me enter the food stamps office

I will edit my donations box

as I see fit

because it is my right

(one of the few I seem to have left)

and I will not

eat Vienna sausages or

sloppy joes

or clumped processed cheese

or...

 

I will go hungry first--

rest assured--

because standards and taste buds

have not yet been taken

and will not be relinquished...

I am still me,

and preference

is nearly all I can preserve...

it is how we persevere

My dignity is not an acceptable trade

for your pious charity

Yes, pride

is still part of my repertoire.

and there is no shame in that,

nor any apology due nor

forthcoming

 

I have yet to lose

or give away self-respect

no matter the circumstance

and still

my particularness

is not invitation

for you to judge me

Say what you will

when my back is turned,

but to my face

it is "How do, Mr. Mann, sir."

Your discards and

nearly-outdated, feel-good project

remnants

already clog my craw and innards

alongside

worry and

   humiliation and

       terror and

        yes, by lack-of-god,

    Resentments

How can it have come to this?

I who had so much

did so well

was held in such esteem?

Crashed and crushed

Heart-broken and abandoned

Mood-altered and weakened

Rolled over and

at this juncture,

older

yet not wiser...yet

They don't tell you

what can happen,

in time.

Nor teach you How

simply to Survive

nor prepare you

nor strengthen you;

but no complaints

since 'trial by fire'

is a masterful

performance inducer

I am hungry

(I hunger)

I am alone

(and deeply lonely)

I am discouraged

(I tire in my soul)

My world for the merest

of human contact

 

I have a void that needs filling

I cannot provide

I cannot spy

an end in sight

I worry for longevity

and plenitude

and endurance

What I want is not here

What my body needs is not here

Sustenance is barely here

and oh, what a lofty price was attached

I engage

  I engorge

   I feast

       to quell the ache

I have a void that needs filling

No more friendships

No more relations

No one tells you how

   much they take

All are the heroes

on their own stage

I have a void needs filling

This condition

life

which engulfs us all,

only in different manner

and course

I have a void needs filling

Reconcile



c. Robert Sayre II, Georgia Unity, 2013



Wild Space



copyright 2013 Robert Sayre, II



Compassion Revealed

Pariah Be A Gift

"Pariah be a Gift"

(On Getting by in the Deep South on Bad Days

and

The Past Ain't All That Diff'rnet from What We Gots Now)

Ain't nowhere I belong

Nor nobody who own me

Mean to say, nobody who know me

Seem to be the same thing

least as I can tell

Used to think

that all was just me

but the more folks I see

the more I reckon

it's all our lot

People's hushed mouthing,

always staring, finger waggin,

no chance to raise up--

nobody seem to notice you--

at the same time!

But all that there

gots a tendency to be

something else all together

from what folks means it to be

Dough gotta get beat

'fore it can rise

(the best bread ta me

is hard on the outside

soft on the ins)

Clay gotta burn

'fore that pot harden

People gotta be broke

to put themselves together

T'aint right nor wrong

nor'n  fair ors unfair

jus' is the way it is

flowing and sliding

unending

Bein' poor don't scare me

and not embarrassed by it none

either

Fat, ugly to other'ins, hungry

all that I gots a handle on

I is this here

I ain't dem

but I is me

Dis what I am

That's good enough fer me

an' others

ain't to be worried over

Cuz there ain't nowhere I belong

nor no one who own me

I is the one avoided

and disrespect like

and I think very much

I prefer it dat way

***

"The Holidaze Song" (not for chirruns!)

"Oh, the Holidays...
dear Holi-dazed...
put a bullet in my head...
no, not just a graze...

No, not really...
now I feel silly..
cuz I have a better plan
in mind instead....
(One in which it's others--
not me--that wind up dead!)

See, I favor homicide
over suicide;
Why should I be the only one
who's cried and had nerves fried?

If you kill yourself this year,
assholes will still be filled with cheer,
and if you kill yourself my dear
there's just no way to get revenge.

But if you simply must decide
best to go with mass homicide;
when will you get that many douches
in one place again?!?

Cuz suicide is too much
like they killed you twice;
I'd prefer to stay around
and fight the fight.

Besides... why would I hurt myself
on the word of a filthy drunken elf,
whose clues are dusty on a shelf..
they condemn me but they're in hell.

But after I have vented here,
I'll probably just expose my rear,
and tell everyone to be a dear
and kiss it where the hole is near.

Oh Holidays,
dear Holidaze...
Thank goodness this thankful shit
comes only once a year!

**************************

c. 2012 Robert Lee Sayre II

Belle Pepper gets philisophical

Charmer Boys

Those unfortunate (bastard) wild boys,

trained too early

and too easily

that their goods were in demand

that they could barter through life

on looks and loving

 

Charm is their first line of defense

Permanently on offense

(still not in control)

taking from others

as was done to them

The original biological weapon.

  

This talent for assessing need

and weakness

This dark discernment

working towards neither's good,



A call to charms


Playing that designated role

imprinted too young

too mightily

Be what they need

Swallow yourself whole

Manipulation is power

or a passable facsimile thereof



You exert bravado

so we would never imagine

the rift within

The Path to Island Living (It's Cheaper Than You Think)

Friendship
was once plentiful
and capricious
and effortlessly-obtained.
More easily-maintained,
not readily-destroyed.
Sturdy and assumed,
monolithic in proportion,

Now disappeared.

How fickle we became,
somewhat automatically,
it would seem,
by age 30;
jaded,
old promises faded,
the delicate tickle
of time
now furiously gripping
and strangling.

Brutal recognition
demanded,
naivete stranded,
all the tiny things
become giant
in the land of
what-was-promised-to-be
older and wiser.

Perspective works in reverse
of what I'd imagined
(Why should that deceit
be any different 
from all other beliefs
turned on their ears?)

Awareness finds me
much too late;
the party is ended.
(but it will still serve
to find me home.)

It takes a season
(or three)
to respect your own
understanding,
to stop selling out
for a few laughs
and to fill your nights
with other-than-moderate
common bonds
(or, typically, none at all.)

To determine that duplicity shown
in front of you
can also be anticipated
once you depart, as well.

That gossip snakes around your name--
that those pangs in your back
are caused by more than exes' voodoo.

To no longer need
'somebody'
or
'any body'
to take you through
the night's isolation...
to make you feel complete,
belonged to,
part of,
acclaimed,
consistent,
valiant,
worthwhile,
important,
potent,
loveable,
desirable,
relevant.

Instead, to forge your own happiness,
and encourage your own brilliance;
no need for half-hearted
undercuts and overlooked slights,
bland tolerance, or hearty indifference.

Strive and perform and provide,
and the more you do,
it's expected of you;
not appreciated,
not accepted,
not approved,
not reciprocated,
not considered.
Merely bilked.

I reached a point
where my capacity
for bullshit
and my tolerance
for abuse
was all used up.
Something about 'looking
in all the wrong places.'

I needed more...
I found it.

Say My Name



(Slave Angel by Mariano7724)



I'm wishing there were

something more to see

cuz it seems

all inbred fucks

with no clue

and all luck,

and all the wrong people

are breeding

and all the wrong people

are dying


 
Nostalgia's a crying shame;

was it that good

or just a good game?

The skew of reflection

or the passage of time

Either way you slice it

it's all the same

Nothing left for me

in the here and now




I call my own name

No one else

does it quite the same

There's an onerous task

in going it alone

yet the alternative

cuts to the bone

When other folks try to

send me shame

I call my own name

Husk

(Art by Bodstart3 from www.deviantart.com )



Columbus was fraud;
this world's sure enough flat
Every day'll put you
down on the mat...
It ain't even tit-for-tat.

Ain't nothing new to see
or anywhere left to be,
everything's been discovered
(and done at least thrice)
don't waste time with envy.

I'm not seeking sympathy,
sure as hell don't want advice...
 the one who pretends to assist
is the one whose knife will twist.

It's a ruptured life support hose,
no one cares for your woes,
do your best to make do
they're always gunning for you.

Devoid of expectation
the blinders removed
we stumble the darkness
no more spark in our groove.

This is it.
Embrace the insanity.

***

hurt

Cling to the illusion of control
when you know that chaos reigns


Darkness is in our DNA;
humanity is only a shell
for the beast


Man can no more stop warring,
hunting,
hating,
devouring
than a lion can cease feeding
on warm, bloody carcass


It is in us;


Cellular
Consumptive
Predetermined
Deep-seated
Intrinsic
All-consuming

We are by nature

Damaged
Animalistic
Raging 
Warring
Insatiable
Negative


We are filled with horrors, not hopefulness

Conflicted
Tortured
Empty
Driven

Yet we pray to a fiction
envision a mirage
and stand on wishes...
avoiding the newspapers
or a mirror


The notion of chaos rules us,
like lunar pull
or roadside carnageChange or enlightenment?
It's cruelty, denial, a joke


To be lulled into a sickness of passivity
or benevolence
or complacency
is to fall prey to the predators--
their trap so insidiously based on
convincing the world that there is no trap


(Convince us there is goodness
wait to see how things play out
trust in the ether
don't lower yourself by fighting back;)
and from the shadows they pounce and destroy


The most beguiling and convincing of smiles
hide the sharpest claws and deadliest fangs


Woundedness is not
necessary to habituate.

Stop expecting
Stop needing
Stop believing
Stop wanting
Stop trusting

and hurt will quickly vanish.

*****************************

Discovery

We crawl forth on the shore

bright freckles never more

Passion bound by need

the emptiness now we feed

Bounding and smiling

swapped with struggle and strife

innocence is a lie

everyone fights for their life

Alone and confused

afraid and sans sight

we murder our kindness

to gain needed might

Hope--though muted--we still carry

in public we play submissive

in private it's survival we marry

*****************

What To Do?!

---

scattered and shattered
one hundred separate ways
constant daze
despair stays
eyes' presumed-permanent glaze
torturous malaise

far short of fame
floundering, uncertain;
flailing, failing at the game
no second-place prize
just unrelenting shame
no one but me to blame

'Quit lying down'
'Get rid of that frown'
'Get out; Head downtown'
'Dress up in a gown'
'Act like a clown'...
treatment and disease
blow chunks equally

  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

FIGHTIN' WORDS

Seth: "All I know is that every time I say anything about my stuff,
you show no interest...or maybe even condemn it!"

Roger: "I sound like a horrible person; I can't imagine why you
bother with me!"

Seth: "Save the false-immodesty; I know your game. Look, point is
I need support, too. It can't all be one-sided!"

Roger: "What do you want? Every time you do something, I throw a parade?"

Seth: "Screw you. You might as well have yawned and looked at your
watch when I was telling you about the most important piece of
information ever regarding my career! You acted like I was crazy
to be excited...you changed the subject as soon as I finished talking!"

Roger: "I didn't know it was some big deal; I assumed you were finished and
that was the end of it. Sometimes you kind of ramble...I never really know
when you're through! I don't know what you want from me. I really
don't. I'm sorry, I guess."

Seth: "No you're not. You just think it's the right thing to say. It's my
fault. I know how you are, and I came to you to share this anyway.
I knew better..but I was as excited to share it with you as I was
that it had happened."

Roger: "All you seem to want to do is criticize me. Every time I turn around
you complain about something I do. If I'm so bad, maybe I don't need
to be around people."

Seth: "I give you plenty of praise. Never seems to be enough. In fact,
I think the reason you ignored my advancement is because you can't
stand for anybody else to get even a little bit of attention and spotlight.
I don't take it personally, usually; I know it's just you."

Roger: "See? That thing right there you did! "I'm not really cutting you down,
I'm just speaking plainly." Or "Oh, I don't mean any offense, I'm just
telling you so you know." Baloney! You get off on lobbing these under-handed
complaints and still smelling like a rose."

Seth: "And you can't admit wrong-doing no matter what! You just sit there
looking pretty and wounded, like I imagined the whole incident, and I
ought to feel ashamed for speaking to you so harshly."

Roger: "Well, you've been going on about it for a while now, so surely you feel
like you've milked it for its 15 minutes."

Seth: "You're an arrogant prick! You dismiss me, then act like I'm a dick for
being offended! I think the only reason you keep me around is to fluff your
ego--a thing I excel at. Giving you praise is the only time I speak when
you aren't counting the seconds til you get to speak."

Roger: "I don't think that makes me different from anybody else on the planet. Maybe
if you weren't some hyper-sensitive attention-starved psycho, you'd be okay with
somebody else getting a word in edgewise!"

Seth: "Me?! You're the one with the ginormous ego, buddy! I've even seen you pout
when nobody wanted to continue on one of your conversation topics! You can't
stand to be overlooked! We should all be grateful beyond compare that the mighty
Roger has deigned to share his wisdom with us! Glory Hallelujah!"

Roger: "Well, now that you've had your weekly meltdown, can we just eat dinner in
peace? I'm really sick of fightin'."

Seth: "Enjoy it! That's the last of my home-cooked meals you'll be getting for a
while, turkey! I wouldn't want to waste my breath talking any more anyway. No
point when nobody's listening."

Roger: "Listen, okay...stop. Just stop. Look..I heard a good joke today; let's bury
the hatchet? Here it is; 'Guy says "God is dead--but don't worry: Mary's pregnant
again!"' Pretty cute, eh?"

Seth: "NOW YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF MY RELIGION!?!?!"

(and so it goes.....)

strings attached

 

the wisdom of your beam



*************************