Big Missy's War Journal
August 29, 2011
The Place: Downtown BeaverTown
The Situation; Crying in Her Milk
I wonder why we endlessly bounce off each other all around town.
I mean, sure it's a small town, and there are only so many places to be, but...
I've lived here forever and I've only seen most people once.
People I would like to see, I never do.
Maybe it's my active awareness and concentration that I don't want
to see him that is drawing his energy to me. What's that they say about
attraction is neither good nor bad...it just 'is?'
I do my best to steer clear of places and times and routes where he might
be. It's just....easier that way. Less convoluted. I don't wanna get
homicidal or suicidal today.
It makes me embarrassed to realize that I am so hyper-vigilant, while
he--I'm sure--has no concerns about running into me whatsoever.
I literally felt my stomach muscles tensing and my breath shorten
today when we saw each other at the intersection. I kept replaying
it endlessly afterwards, worried that I hadn't maintained my cool and he
might have seen my reaction.
I don't like someone having this control over me.
It's just a person. It's just emotions. It doesn't mean anything.
I don't have to respond to anything I don't want to. Why is it that
he still moves me so, even after everything that transpired? Why do
I seem unable to move on? I really don't want to have to move
away to escape this shit.
Maybe if I could just reconcile that it's the fantasy...the desire
for things to be what they once were, an unreal state. That's what
drives me and pulls me in. The fiction of a friendship that no
longer exists. Accept that it is dead and there is no going back. Just
grieve it.
Mantra for today:
"He does not care about you."
"He does not want you near him."
"He does not like you or what you represent."
"He does not want you in his life."
"It isn't my business."
"It is okay; he has the right."
"I am not affected by others' opinions."
"It isn't personal."
I know these things....I have accepted these truths (to some
extent)...but reminding myself is hard, and I'd rather just ignore
it and be blissful.
All the people I know, he knows. All the things I do, we
cross paths. No matter the effort to diverge, it seems we
inevitably come back around. And it just gets to me.
Knowing that he is faking a smile.
Knowing that his beliefs cause him to be kind to everyone;
I am not the actual recipient of care or affection.
Knowing that he does not like nor respect me...that I am
merely tolerated.
Knowing that our dealings are stilted and uncomfortable,
and there is no getting around that.
It breaks my heart all over again.
I want to be there, but the bridge is burned. Our doomed
acquaintance is but a footnote in history. I see him hurting
and not only do I regret not having an answer, but I have
remorse for the portion I have caused. And then (as if it
could have been erased,) the pain caused me comes creeping
in too, and the dedication to his well being sneaks back out.
It is for the best, this 'passing glances' existence.
Missing someone is an acceptable response when you
realize that some things are just painful and unavoidable.
We'll both be all right; that's a given. But you can't move on
with one foot in the past. I need my heart and my head to
quit planning reunions. Give up the ghost; you can't make
someone love ya. Thinking you can is just crazy.
