Open Letter on Behalf of God

Today's Sermon.....Telling it like it "T-I-IS!"
In fact, as I am the chosen vessel of the voice of God, I am
here to give you some righteous direction from the Divine One
Himself; consider this an open letter on behalf of God.
Dearly beloved......
those cherished chosen who have been smart enough to select
this congregation... this truly is the House of God.

By which, we remove the tacitly-inferred notion, and spell outright
that as the House of God, no other place on earth is blessed
or sanctified. Pay no attention to those conflicted ideas that
'God is everywhere.' He isn't--as evidenced by the plights that
strike dirty, poor people and other forsaken regions of the planet,
all of which are located outside this grand land.

You require a special type, design, and anointing of a building
in order for it to be possessed of God. Crystal cathedrals, posh
offices, expensive pews, and elaborate state-of-the-art electronics
are all quite necessary to make a structure desirable to the immense
almighty. If we don't woo Him from the competition, our building
will be God-free. Then what would we do for a draw on Sunday?

The larger and more spectacular a dwelling, the better. That makes
sense since God is so vast, right? And since we went to all the trouble
of making such fine accommodations for the Supreme Ruler of the
Universe, we should emphasize that our standards for who we fill
up with are pretty steep, too.

Please don't bother us with your rickety cars in the parking lot, or your
rusty bicycles, or especially your home-made dresses or hand-me-down
attire. Not only will you be an eyesore and distraction to the betters that
wallk among you, but you'd be embarrassed when it comes time for the
'Best in Show' competition.

Keep your fake smiles plastered on during services; it makes the
duality of your scurrilous speech about one another afterwards so
much more hefty. If there were no hypocrisy, there would hardly be
any joy from religion, would there? It's the contention, not the
content that matters, especially in spiritual matters.

And of course, remember that we only worry about keeping score
of your Sin Ratio if you're not wealthy or possessed of the right last
name. Don't worry about what our more established members are
up to; they have that Free Pass at home. Don't hate.

In conclusion, time to wrap up the platitudes and get back to the
gossiping, scheming, ignoring of family, and other general two-faced
nonsense that makes up a Sunday. Be sure and follow up services
at the true Holy-of-Holies...Super Wal-Mart.

Peace out,
The Rev