"Occupying Hope; Trials of the REAL 99%" essay

("Even in darkness, light filters through."

model; Susan)

Having lost my last regular and meaningful job some three years ago

under a shroud of questionable circumstances, I have flittered from

part-time job to seasonal job to one-day gigs ever since. It has been
an incredible battle to keep afloat, to stay caught up, and to just plain
maintain basic life needs.


This is just a bit of that story. Chances are, increasingly, you may know
someone who is going through similar circumstances. And maybe we can
share with one another that we're all doing our best...letting down our
guard and pretenses.

I was denied my due unemployment monies because my employer lied
under oath at the hearing and blackmailed my former coworker to do
the same. "Silly wabbit; morals are for kids!" I failed to win my appeal,
and thus had a 2 year hole in employment, since obviously this was not
someone I could place on my resume'.

I'm in a small town now, and a pariah because of my outspokenness.
Getting work is hard here anyway, without the right last name
or being part of the right crowd, but throw being labeled a 'trouble-
maker' into the mix and you've pretty well nailed that coffin shut.
"Him was that'un that was aught thar supportin' O-BOMBA!!!! Sweet
merciful baby Jesus, you cain't hires hiyum!"


My work history has a lot of self-employment that, while legit, is
hard to prove to someone when you're not from 'aound here.' I have
done lots of the kind of work that 'anyone' can do (wait staff, clerical,
janitorial,) so with the job market such as it is, a lot of the jobs I
qualify for are filled. I'm unable to return to school due to a screw-up
with financial aid. I have certain health restrictions...you get the picture.


I started my own businesses to try and drum up monies. Yard
work, jack-of-all-trades, a hauling business, writing papers and
providing tutoring for students, blogging, doing seminars, doing
massage work, substitute teaching; all have helped keep me in my
trailer, but not much else.

I no longer have phone service (land line or cellular,) I have no home
internet, I have no cable or satellite (which works well since I sold
my TV and VCR to pay for bills.) I have sold every single item of value
in my home save for the refrigerator and washer and dryer. Yes, I sold
my stove. I have some furniture (not much) that was retrieved from
roadside or donated. I have clothes that were given by a kind woman
who's husband had passed, and also from a local agency.


I get food stamps, and that is all I am eligible for. I get food from a
food pantry at the church. I have not been to the doctor in 2 years.
No dentist since 2005. No eye doctor since before 2000. I cut my
own hair. I have no frivolous expenditures, save for one meal out
that I allow myself once a month (about $ 6) and one lottery ticket
once a month just to keep the flames of hope and dreams alive.
(It's kind of magical to carry it in my pocket and not check the
winning numbers; the feeling of imaging I have won and don't know
it is exhilarating!)

I have no bank account, my credit is shot, I have no cash, I have sold
all my stocks and holdings, my vehicle is on its last leg, and I don't
have the money to move, yet there's no work available here.
I have a 20 year old van that is paid for, and keeping it gassed and
insured has been my Number One priority even before rent. Because
if something happens, I can stay in that van, but I cannot give up my
freedom, mobility and independence. It's already isolated enough with
living alone and having no ability to communicate with the outside
world from my home. Being unemployed with no prospects makes that
isolation so much the more intense.

I cannot afford to go to mental health services as I should, but the
available services in this region are so unprofessional and lacking that
it may be for the best. I have not had my medication in several years.


I wonder sometimes if I will ever get to a point where I can rise back up;
to attain any of the position or comfort that I once knew. I worry and I fear,
though I know both are worthless endeavors. I do the best I know how,
and it apparently is not sufficient. It seems I am on a forever downward
spiral, and the not knowing is terrifying.


Many have done more with less. This is about people coming to terms
with radical changes. It can be done; it's the wrapping our minds around
the shift that shocks us.
I struggle daily with existential conflict; am I predestined to be poor?
Is my plight avoidable through supernatural intervention or through
earthly labors alone? Am I to endure this for a season and then be
rewarded for my patience and efforts? Is this as good as it gets?


I do wonder; whether a wage for work is fair, if when there is no
work to be had, there is no wage to be given. That seems pretty
clearly to indicate that in the scheme of things, my life and worth
have price tags attached to them. And I guarantee that no one else
sees mine as being valued at the same market rate I would give it.


It's a helpless feeling, to be at what feels like the end of a rope. But
then i remember that no one writes my story but me; no one can
assess me or dismiss me or overlook me unless I allow it. No matter
I am a pauper or a millionaire, I have all the heart and soul and strength
I muster; that is my determination, and can be altered by no other.
I no longer place my interest or dependence on externals. I am learning
self-sufficiency and confidence and boldness. It's something that should
have been started long ago, if I believe in 'shoulds' any more. But I can
only deal with what is.


I say all of this by way of explanation, and then to add; it's all going to be fine.
Because I choose to not lie down. I choose to not be defeated by any
circumstances. There's a favorite quote of mine; "Happiness is Choice,
not Chance."


I know I am a man, a human being; a Shakespeare-inspired, Elephant Man
quote-shouting man, dammit, and I will not be denied or easily pushed
aside. I have fight, I have spirit, I have will. For as long as I breathe, I
have as much of these components as I wish, for they are every bit as
limitless and real as doubt and dread and impatience.


I keep trying new things, keep asking around, keep weighing options.
I keep exercising. I keep my mind and body active. I work at staying upbeat.
I look my best all the time. I keep my head high and speak loud and proud.
I take interest in others and things that go on in the world. I have animals
I care for. I have creative outlets. I will not give up; this fght takes active,
constant work to keep despair from overtaking me. That is my job now.


It's a long dark night for a lot of poor souls that didn't see it coming. Doesn't
matter if bad decisions or poor planning or injustice delivered us here;
we're here. We have to change gears and step into the now, knowing
that everything we need is within. And whatever comes, we have the strength
to persevere.


There's a little story I like; it goes like this. The caterpillar cried out in
despair, "It's the end of the world! Everything is over." The butterfly cried
out in excitement; "It's the beginning of life! Everything is fresh and new!"
I try and remember that; life is all about transformations. It's not in how or
when or even what happens; it's what we do with it that makes the difference.


Peace.
Robert Sayre II