Free-style Walkabout

(Stream of consciousness crosses

a walk in the park!)

I really need
to stretch first
I'll feel better
My God the humidity.
Isn't that a bitch?
Even an
agnostic is so
brainwashed
they can't get rid of
'God'
speak and concepts
in their head.
I know the gnats
will be bad.
They are
when it's this moist
What's the difference
I wonder?

I don't mind the heat or cold
or rain
or stench
or noise
or crowds
(well maybe crowds--
but I'd still walk)
nor cramps
or stomach pain
but I cannot abide
a thing flying
into my eye-ball
a million times a minute.
Into my nose,
my ears,
oh wait I have
some Bounce
sheets in the car
and I need
to get my sunglasses anyway
I can't have that blaring sun
in my eyes
on the walk into
the treeline
Is it 'blaring'
or is that for music?
I can never remember
What do I mean?

Why is that guy putting his
side flaps up on that jeep?
The roof is still open
rain can get in...
burglar can get in...
isn't that a waste of time?
He must be military.
Precise
thick
overly muscular
regimented
I need to be like that.
Not completely,
but more so
Whatever happened
to happy mediums?
He probably thinks I like him.
Don't look.
Here for me
not cruising.
Not my type
even for looking.
Does he shave his legs?
That's weird.
Why is that
unnatural look
still so popular?

Just stay steady, slow, easy,
keep pace,
don't think
about how hot it is
keep moving
No need for speed
but I can flex and
loosen shoulders as I lap
Do four laps
is all I need
It's the constant heart rate
not the overdoing it
I seek
It may not help
too much with weight
but my cardio needs
a regular maintenance and
I can start simply
It's the journey
not the destination
right?

I wonder if
I'll run into
my friend's wife again?
I hope not...she's nice
but that was
uncomfortable
nothing against her it
just was weird
I don't even know
that he's my friend 
frenemy
acquaintance..who knows
I don't understand
people or motives
or anything
I wonder what she
thought of me?
Why do I
worry about that
in the first place?
What is my fascination,
with the details of such
things? Obsessiveness?
Alcoholism?
Codependency?
Writer? Nut?
Insecurity?

That same  worker is here
every morning
I wonder how that
makes him feel to have
to work it all by himself?
Is his coworker late?
Sick?
Is he expected to do
the work by himself
and then
someone else gets the credit?
That would fit.
I really need to be rich so
I don't have to worry
about such things any longer
and I could also buy
an indoor track
with air conditioning
so this bullshit
wouldn't be so hard
Why is there sweat?
Why are there gnats?
What the hell
is the purpose of a mosquito?
I don't have a need
for any of those things.

Does that tie
into the fact that
we live in a sense
of perpetual
dealing with things
not of our liking,
that this is a
valley of tears,
we have to deal
with obstacles
and injustice
and hardships
and heartaches
I actually feel good today
let's not
get off on a tangent
Why question and worry
and be all maudlin
I can be happy if I
choose to be I suppose
The less you look at it
the better it appears
I guess that kind of
makes me screwed cuz
I want
to tear it all down
as a writer
and see
what makes it tick
It's a calling
but I also intend
to feed myself
with my talent
I for damned sure can't work
for anyone else
What am I going to do
about a job?

Does that guy think
I'm looking at him?
I don't
want to change how I act
just to attempt
to accommodate
a nonexistent situation but
I don't want
to get beat up either
just cuz Buford thinks he's
eye-worthy which he isn't
How bad would that suck
if a guy got violent because
he was homophobic but
I wasn't even attracted to him?
That would be about right?
Why am I not attracted?
Maybe that's how
people think about me;
dismiss me
based on the superficial and
not look through
to the real stuff and not
be interested if you don't
show up on their radar straight off
Isn't that sad
that we're so tied
up in image and interpretation
and how do we get beyond it;
Maybe it works on a larger scale?
Maybe that's race relations,
homophobia, battle of the sexes, and
xenophobia all wrapped up...
we don't care to see
what's outside our scope
don't have the energy or interest to try
We're more satisfied
with difficulty
than the idea of changing
what we know

I hate shin splints
even when I stretch
I get them
why is that
the most overworked
part of my body?
I should be having
fucking head splints
and nerve splints
i wonder if
I'm doing it wrong?
It's hard
I need the consistency
of concrete but it is
hard on my joints and heels
our bodies aren't meant to
withstand it
There's no pool around here
that would be ideal
The Y has one but
I can't afford that
even with a poverty voucher
or whatever they call it
and I would have to have gas
to drive it
If I had
a physical job
like construction
or some such
I could get paid
to have my workout
and stay in shape by proxy
(default? chance? what?)
but I would not have to
worry about gyms or health care
cuz I would stroke out
from the heat and exhaustion
and make it all moot
Maybe
they would let me
work the
hours I wanted like
maybe 3 am to 10 am,
which I guess they do
cuz I used
to see road crews
in Tampa all the time
but not here
would they start?
I wonder who you have
to screw around here to
get a job with the
city or the county?
If I acted like a racist dip shit
and scratched my nuts in public,
would they let me in?
I could talk about
Glen Beck being smart
for a few hours a day...
get a good laugh
on the inside
probably get
more dick that way
Ernesta says I don't get
as much as I could
because I'm too strident
and won't let up
on the politics,
need to let go of the
posturing and relax
but then he also says
to get what I want
I need to start being bold
asking people
point blank if they want
to fool around is the only way
to separate wheat from chaff
but I say that gets my head
separated from my body
what's the difference
I have no life anyway
but it's the difference
between being attacked
and losing face or
being secure
age old question
what's more important
the possibility of getting
what you want or the security
of keeping
what you don't want
known, unknown

Lots of guys look
you know lots consider
but what will happen if
you attempt to further it
into the realm of actuality
Do they worry
over being seen
with you and freak out
Do they secretly like it
but get indignant in public
Will they hurt you
to cover their feelings
Will they defame you
to throw suspicion
and ruin you for anyone...
or will spreading the news
be free advertising
for someone wiling?
maybe

DAMN I need to get laid
Hand jobs and fantasies
are not cutting it
Maybe if I weren't
quite so obsessed
I could get work done
or maybe if I got laid I
could stop obsessing
or maybe if I focused on work
I wouldn't have time
for sex thoughts
maybe it's the desperation
throwing people off
If I pretended like
I don't care
I could score
guys love a challenge
they hate what's readily available
I need to go to Tallahassee
Craig's list was a disaster
made me almost turn straight
well, decide to remain celibate
anyway
let's not get
carried away
I could get free snatch
all day and all night
if I wanted it
but lack of dick
has not created
a push for pussy
Every friend I've ever had
before this last year
has been someone
who wants me
What does that say
about me that the only people
who spend time with me
are frustrated stalkers
like me
Why can't i get laid
it's frustrating

If this is what it's like
at age 41
with decent looks
and okay body
what'll it be like
as I decline?
Jesus now I'm really depressed
so depressed I'd call
on fictional characters again
well Jesus was real
on the earth
it's just the floating
through the heavens
and eradicating space demons
and shit that's sci-fi
or was that
L Ron Hubbard's
Xenon shit
who knows it's all
whack-a-doodle
why is everyone
obsessed with knowing?
it's cosmic
it isn't for human minds
to comprehend
It's too much
too heady
too crazy
I guess that explains
the appeal of
easy-bake religion
add faith instant explanation
dogma inspires simplicity
where none exists
craziness just let it be
all this intimidation
and moralizing
why is everything so hard

You know who I bet
is great in bed
that crazy leader
of Scientology
that Tommy guy
he's closeted but
I know nutballs are
hot in bed
they have no inhibitions
Maybe I could go
to California and
infiltrate the compound
and pretend to be
part of them and get close
I could do an expose
on the cult and
suck some cock
at the same time
win-win finally
but what if they find out
and kill me or
worse drug me
and discredit me
Can I be further discredited?
sure why not
things can always get worse
Is that 3 laps or 4?
somehow I lost count.