SCENE: The Fox Noose Room, 2 seconds to air time, as
Supreme Court Justice nominee (and Solicitor General) Elena
Kagan readies to appear on Bill O'Reilly's Fear Factor TV 'ho.
CREW MAN: "...two...one.."
BILL: "I'm here trying to find out exactly what new Obama-plan
we'll be seeing promoted from the socialist party nominee Ms.
Kagan, here. It is MIZZ Kagan, is it not?"
ELENA: "Some people on the earth feel that alternate views don't
have to be scary things. Some might even consider that it is the
silencing of alternate views which is truly scary."
BILL: "What the hell kind--are you even speaking English?
DO you speak English? I don't know what kind of name
Kagan is, but it makes me want to get my spare sheets out of
the closet. That was all just more confirmed liberal gobbledy-gook."
ELENA: Squelching my right to disagree --or promote another
idea--is not unity...it's tyranny. Why are you so afraid of other
people, Bill? Are you that insecure in your beliefs? My position
is that of accepting all people, so understand that you will always
have a space at the table. No one is trying to take anything away
from you."
BILL: "See? See? You just admitted that more and more illegals
will come across the border and rape my kids if another Obama
appointee is brought in the back door. That's what you do...you
liberals with your secrets and your crazy voodoo thinking."
ELENA: "I don't know why you're getting so loud, Bill. It doesn't
make a point more clear, even if it were to have started off clear.
Or logical. Volume doesn't make my points wrong. It doesn't make
me go away. Were you bullied as a child, Bill? Or do you simply
a showman, not even believing the divisive rhetoric you spew? I
hope that's the case."
BILL: "How dare you, Hare Krishna Jew-bait whore of Babylon,
question my almighty God while I am waving this flag called freedom
of the press! How DARE you even breathe the same oxygen that
my inspirational and Jesus-filled holiness requires! Your existence is
an outrage. You're crazy....I think you need to be taught a lesson!"
(Bill leaps up in a rage, reaches out with an open hand,
attempting to slap Elena. Slowly, Matrix-style, she weaves
backwards in the chair, avoiding the sloppy lob. As Bill
completes his swing and returns to his side of the desk,
Elena springs forward to action.She takes hold of Bill's
outstretched hand, jerks him forward across the desk,
bends his arm behind his back, and slams his potato head down
on the desk hard. Gasps are audible from the crew.)
BILL: " Security! Security! I give the command..take the kill shot.
Take it! Get her! I was ambushed. They don't fight fair. Assault!"
(Elena leans in very closely and calmly to the still-pinned
Bill and begins to speak just above a whisper.)
ELENA: "You, sir, are not a patriot, even in any fevered or
diseased sense of the word. You are a terrorist. A parasite.
A danger. A fraud. A psychotic. A pussy.And you're evil.
Satan has more than just his hand up your ass, Puppet Boy.
Now sit down, shut your over utilized pie-hole, calm down,
and act civilized, or me and the Justice Department are going
to release the FBI photos we pulled off your private computer
of the very, very young girls you like to dream about.....
and your bullshit career will be officially over. Capiche?"
(Bill, noticeably shaken, jerks off his release from Elena,
stands up and adjusts his tie and pretends to hand-form
his side-hair. He tries his best to look sufficiently indignant
and regain his faux potency. He sits back in his chair
and settles, clearing his throat.)
BILL: "I'm sorry you had to see that, audience. But now you
know the true threat posed by the liberal thought police. An
unprovoked attack here on the air."
ELENA: "Bill...."
BILL: "Well...can I at least get my pictures back? I don't have
any dignity left to lose, but can't you allow me my hard drive?"
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